So I was a working alcoholic for a long time before I got sober. In my 20s, I did lots of sketchy things – I was stoned at work every day at all my jobs (that was actually well into my 30s), I drank on the job occasionally at one place, I passed out pills one day at my favorite job and got myself and 3 good friends fired. That was the worst; I loved that job. That was the only time I ever got caught. I learned my lesson (sort of) and straightened up at work after that.

When I started my professional career, the work was way too challenging for me to be loaded. I also had a lot to lose at that point (waitressing jobs aren’t nearly as precious or well-compensated as paralegal jobs). So there were no shenanigans at work and I took an inordinate amount of pride in not drinking at work…like nearly all people. But that meant that I was a functional alcoholic, and not someone about to completely destroy her life. Drinking on the job leads to unemployment and destitution, right? But evening and weekend binge drinking just leads to good times. Fun Stef. 

I would start work at 5am and bounce out at 2 or 3pm to get a good day drunk on. I would drink every night until I passed out. Nevermind that sometimes I was so eager to get to that first drink that my hands would shake – I wasn’t drinking at work, so everything was fine. Nevermind that I dragged myself in hung over occasionally, definitely not prepared to deliver my best. There were times my blackout drinking meant I had no idea how I might have conducted myself around my colleagues. There was the time I left a work party attended by executives, only to collapse to the ground while waiting for my Lyft – literally falling-down drunk. It was a miracle no one but my Lyft driver saw it.

None of this was enough to get me to quit. I was scared, I was ashamed, I was worried. But it wasn’t until someone was brave enough to ask me if it was a problem that I was able to admit it was a problem. From there I got help, and from there the rest of my life starts. 

After some pretty solid but not totally consistent sobering up, I started a very challenging new position with demanding hours that required all of my mental faculties. This was basically my dream job, but I needed to give it everything I had. I didn’t sober up so I could kill it at that job. But I could not have done that job, not by a mile, if I had still been drinking. No way would I have worked from 5am to 7pm if I had been anticipating a drink at 4pm. No way could I have done my best writing at 5am coming off a night of half a bottle of vodka. No way would I have worked on Sunday if it meant cutting into my passing-out/waking-up/drinking-and-passing-out-again plans.  

For anyone not sure, but wondering, if their drinking is a problem, I have one thing to say about my experience that I want to put in terms as clear as possible:

I did not realize how much drinking was standing in my way until it wasn’t any more. 

I would never have pulled off this job opportunity if it had to compete with my busy drinking schedule. Now I have a job that I love, where I am valued, treated with respect, and offered opportunities to grow. I genuinely enjoy my work, and that is a rare gift. Sobriety was a necessary condition for me to make the most of this difficult but rewarding work. As I said, I didn’t quit drinking to do this job, but without quitting drinking, I couldn’t have done it. I had to create the conditions for me to be able to achieve things, without knowing what I wanted to achieve – hell, I don’t know that I even had a thought in my head that there were other things I wanted to achieve, I just knew that I couldn’t carry the weight of the shame any more. If you are reading this and wondering if alcohol is keeping you from realizing your potential, what I can tell you is that it was certainly keeping me from realizing mine.